When It's Not Enough
by Bulletproof Bolly
Summary: Set after Jo's death. Harry and Ruth are struggling to come to terms with their relationship, while Lucas and Ros argue constantly. Will the Grid ever go back to normal? What IS normal?
1. Prologue: Innocent

_I'm back...unfortunately, I probably won't be finishing my _Ashes to Ashes_ fic,_ 'Forget Me'- _it's been so long since I worked on it that I've lost the feel for it. So I thought I'd write my first _Spooks_ fic instead. This is set straight after Jo's death; mostly because I love how unstable the team is at that point, and I really wanted Ros to be in the fic, although I think the main pairing will be Harry and Ruth.  
This prologue does center around Ros; it's set in her flat, straight after Jo's death, and those of you who've read my other fics will know that I have an annoying habit of starting fics with a song-fic. This is no exception. It's actually based on 'Innocent' by Taylor Swift (don't judge me, it's a brilliant song, and I thought the lyrics would be perfect for the situation). Hope you like it, please let me know how you feel about it :)_

**Innocent**

Curled up on her bed, Ros Myers looks much smaller than she does when she's at work. Right now, she's not the head of Section D; she's not Harry Pearce's star officer. She's not even a grown woman; she's a child, lost in an adult's body. She's not part of a team; she's alone- everyone pretends to understand, but she knows what they really think. She's not stupid. She knows they think she's losing it. She knows they think she's not the officer she used to be. She thinks that too, but she's not about to admit it- not now, not yet.

The radio's on. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she remembers switching it on when she came in; something she never normally does. She just needed something to shut the voices out. She's focusing as hard as she can on the music; music she'd never normally listen to- just to fight the ghosts away. Up until now, it's just been mindless, computerised chart music; music that means nothing, that she doesn't have to worry about. But now, it's different. She can tell from in the introduction; sad, haunting...as if it were speaking directly to her.  
_**  
**_**Guess you really did it this time,  
Left yourself in your war path,  
**She can't help herself; it makes her think. She starts having a mental conversation with the voice; perhaps she really is going insane.**  
Lost your balance on a tightrope-  
**It's strange- she's always had great balance. She did ballet as a child. _How did I lose my balance?_ She asks, but there's no reply. Instead, it just keeps singing.**  
Lost your mind trying to get it back,  
**_Yes, I've lost my mind._ She tells the voice; there's nothing she can do about it now, she doesn't want to do anything about it. Not yet. What's the point? Why not just let the music take her away, just for a little while; she doesn't want to think straight.**  
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?  
Always a bigger bed to crawl into,  
**_Daddy._ She still remembers her childhood. Her father. She hasn't thought about him for ages- she's done everything possible to try and forget him, but she doesn't want to. When she was little, she was scared of everything; but not when he was around. When he was there, she felt safe. He chased all her nightmares. _Why aren't you here, Daddy?_**  
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything-  
And everybody believed in you?  
**_Wasn't it beautiful when I believed in you, Daddy? Wasn't it?_ She's so used to lies- she's so used to lying. She doesn't trust anybody anymore, and nobody trusts her. _They__ trusted me. _She reminds herself. They did, before tonight. They all trusted her. _She__ trusted me. And I..._ She can't bring herself to finish her sentence, and she can't bear to use the girl's name; that's all she was, she wasn't a woman. She was a girl.

It's alright just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me,  
_Liar._ Nobody trusts her now; not after what she's done. She has no idea whose voice it is, but she's spent most of her life trying to find out the truth; and this isn't what the truth sounds like. _The truth isn't sweet; stop lying to me._**  
Oh, who you are is not where you've been,  
**Where has she been? She's been everywhere; but right now, she can only think of one place. That 'panic-room'. The marble floor, stained with blood...she can't get the image out of her mind. It won't go away. **  
You're still an innocent,  
Still an innocent.  
**_No. She was the innocent. I'm not. I was, but I'm not now. _She hasn't been an innocent for years; but up until a few hours ago, she could deal with it. She can't anymore, though. What she did to her colleague- her _friend..._she can't be innocent again. Ever.

Did some things you can't speak of,  
_My whole life's a secret- a lie. _**  
But at night you live it all again,  
**It's true. She's done some terrible things; she's hurt people before, but she's always had a reason, they've always been bad people. But the girl she hurt tonight didn't deserve it. _This time, the nightmares won't go away._ She's had sleepless nights before; she's felt guilty, but she's lived through it, knowing that she did the right thing. But it won't work this time.**  
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now  
If only you had seen what you know now then,  
**_If only I'd just walked away. Got a normal job- a normal life._ She's regretted her career choice in the past, but she's saved innocent people, and that's kept her going. _But I've killed them too, _says the voice in her head, louder than ever.**  
Wasn't it easier in your firefly catching days?  
When everything out of reach someone bigger brought down to you,  
**Her Daddy used to spoil her rotten. Anything she wanted, she could have. _Daddy, go up to the sky and bring her back. Please bring her back._**  
Wasn't it beautiful running wild till you fell asleep,  
Before the monsters caught up to you.  
**Running used to be a game. She used to pretend she was running away from monsters. _But it's real now._ It was real, and the monsters had caught up with her; but they hadn't killed her, as she used to think they would. _They've turned me into one of them._

It's alright just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me,  
Oh who you are is not where you've been,  
_But what about her? She doesn't have a string of lights anymore._**  
You're still an innocent.  
**_I wish I could be._**  
It's okay, life is a tough crowd,  
42 and still growing up now,  
**Normally, she stands tall. She's proud, she's cool. Nothing can distract her. Nothing frightens her. Normally. But this isn't normal- her life isn't normal. Right now, she's scared, she's lonely. She's nothing more than a lost little girl.**  
Who you are is not what you did,  
You're still an innocent.  
**That's what she used to tell herself; but she can't think that anymore. _I can't. There's no excuse this time. Nothing makes what I just did okay._

Time turns flames to embers,  
You'll have new Septembers,  
_But time can't change what I did. Time can't bring her back._**  
Every one of us has messed up too,  
**Who is this woman? Talking to her like she knows what's happened? _I've 'messed up' too, but I didn't mess up tonight. I killed an innocent girl, that's more than messing up._**  
Minds change like the weather,  
I hope you remember,  
Today is never too late to  
Be brand new.  
**_I've spent too long being 'brand new'; I'm a different person almost every day. It's my job, it's what I do. _But being brand new can't save her now; no matter how much she changes, she'll never forget what she's just done.

It's alright just wait and see, your string of lights are still bright to me,  
Oh, who you are is not where you've been,  
You're still an innocent.  
_Who are you?_**  
It's okay, life is a tough crowd,  
42 and still growing up now,  
**She looks up from her hands, tears streaming down her face, but she doesn't make a sound.**  
Who you are is not what you did,  
You're still an innocent,  
You're still an innocent.  
**She can see a face in the darkness. A woman's face- a girl's face. Blue eyes. She's singing, looking right at her.

Lost your balance on the tight rope,  
_I know you. _Suddenly, she recognises the face. For the first time in hours, she speaks, but the face is already fading away, into the darkness. "Jo."**  
It's never too late to get it back.  
**"I'm sorry."****


	2. The Last Bus

_Hello again! I'd just like to thank everyone who read/reviewed the prologue, 'Innocent'. Thanks for all your lovely reviews- they really do mean a lot :) This next chapter's quite short- it's the first proper chapter in the fic, but it's not particularly eventful. It's just setting the scene for Harry and Ruth. It's set literally a couple of minutes after the end of 8.3; where Ruth's crying outside Harry's office. I just thought it was an extremely sad and beautiful moment in the series, and would be a good place to pick up, as I've always wondered what happened afterwards.  
Hope you enjoy :) I don't normally write this fast, but I felt extremely inspired last night :) xx_

_

* * *

_**The Last Bus**

A man sat in the dimly lit red office, an empty glass in his hand. He looked broken, lost; but it wasn't what had just happened that was tearing away at his heart. It was the sound that drifted through the open door. The sound of his most valued friend and colleague breaking down. The more he thought about it, the worse it made him feel. Rationally, he knew he'd made the right decision, sending his three officers in there. If they hadn't been there, things would have gone much worse; it would have had a world-wide impact. He knew that. But right now, all he could hear were her sobs, only feet away from him.

With a sigh, Harry Pearce put the glass down and got up. He had work to do. He walked over to the door, intending to close it and shut the heart-wrenching sounds out. However, from here, the sobs were louder, and he caught a glimpse of her shadow, hunched and shaking. He couldn't shut her out- not now that she looked so lost and alone. Instead of closing the sliding door, he stepped silently into the corridor. Slowly, hesitantly, he made his way towards her figure.  
"Ruth," He whispered, only a couple of inches away from her. She didn't react- perhaps she hadn't heard him. He placed his hands gently on her shoulders. "Ruth," he repeated, his voice only slightly louder than before. This time, she turned to look at him, her face tear-stained. Seeing her sad, swollen eyes, he turned her around gently and embraced her. For a couple of seconds, she didn't move, she just pressed her face into his chest, still crying. Then, she shook her head slightly and stepped away from him.  
"I should be getting home." She said quickly, struggling to look calm and collected; _Be like Ros._ She told herself, _be cold._  
"I'll give you a lift." He offered, his hands still on her shoulders. She shook her head again.  
"No, I'll take the bus." She replied almost immediately, as if she'd known he was going to offer, and had planned her answer beforehand.

Harry sighed as she stepped away from him. He wanted to argue with her- to insist on at least calling a cab for her, but by the time he'd opened his mouth to speak, she was already stepping into the pod.  
"Ruth..." he said again, but this time, he was speaking to the silence.

* * *

Ruth stepped out of Thames House into the cold, rainy street. She walked faster than normal, not really paying much attention to anyone or anything. About five minutes later, she reached the bus stop, and saw her usual bus- the last one- driving away down the street. She cursed and broke into a run, waving madly and trying desperately to get the driver's attention- but nobody seemed to be noticing. By the time she reached the stop, the bus was already long gone, and she was just standing there, alone and drenched.

She didn't know how long she just stood there, listening to herself breathe. She didn't have the strength to call a cab, or to go back to the Grid. The full impact of what had happened was only just beginning to hit her; her previous reaction had been nothing to what she knew was coming, if she could just hold herself together until she got home...

A car pulled to a stop in front of her, and she looked up, her heart racing. She hadn't noticed that the street was completely empty now; how late was it? For a moment, she stared at the car, terrified, before turning, getting ready to run.

"Ruth!"

She recognised the voice instantly; who wouldn't? She turned around again and looked at the car. The passenger window was down, and the man she'd left standing alone in the corridor was looking out at her. She couldn't resist it; she smiled at him.  
"What are you doing here?" Harry asked, smiling back at her.  
"Missed the bus." She replied, surprised at how pathetic she sounded.  
"Get in."  
She'd refused earlier- and had planned on refusing again, but she found herself sighing and opening the passenger door. Earlier, Harry had offered her a lift, and she'd declined, but she couldn't say no to this. This was an order, not an offer; even when they weren't working, Harry was the boss- when the subtle authority in his voice became stronger and more obvious, she couldn't go against him. She climbed into the car and pulled her seat-belt on, avoiding his gaze the whole time.

The drive home was awkward, to say the least. Neither of them spoke, but the silence was louder than any conversation. Ruth's main goal was to hold the tears back until she got home; she couldn't let herself fall apart in front of him, she didn't want his sympathy; not now. She couldn't allow him to be distracted from his duty, especially not over something that nobody could help anymore.

The car pulled to a halt in front of Ruth's house, and she turned to face Harry.  
"Thanks for the lift. Goodnight." She said politely and expressionlessly. She opened the door and stepped out of the car.  
"Ruth," he called, but either she didn't hear him, or pretended not to. She was already making her way up towards her front door. "Ruth!" He called again, through the open car window. This time, she stopped, but didn't turn. "If you want to talk..." his voice trailed off when she just shook her head and kept walking. He watched her unlock her door and step inside before starting the car again. "Goodnight."


	3. The New Girl

_Hello again! Here's the second proper chapter (I don't generally count the Prologue as a chapter...although does, oh well...). This chapter, obviously, features the arrival of a new character, although not at awful lot happens...  
Thanks to everyone who's read or left a review; reviews are always appreciated, whether they're here or on the Fanfiction thread at the Spooks forum...  
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter...I had a pretty hard time writing it, although I'm more inspired for the next few chapters now :)  
xx Bolly_

**The New Girl**

Ros' bedroom was always too bright in the morning; the plain white walls reflected the light in a way that was far too strong for someone who'd only just woken up. Normally, she'd open her eyes for a few seconds and then screw them shut again, hiding underneath her duvet. This morning, however, was different; her eyes stayed open, hardly ever blinking. She hadn't been asleep at all; dawn had just crept up on her.

With a sigh, the woman who'd been curled up in bed crying all night got up. It was much earlier than normal, but she didn't care. She needed to do something- anything- to keep her busy.

About two hours later, Ros Myers was sitting at her desk on the Grid, sipping black coffee as she looked through endless stacks of paperwork that she'd been too busy to deal with for the past few days. She was concentrating as hard as she could on every tedious little sheet; she knew exactly where her mind would go if she allowed it to wander, and she definitely wasn't going to allow herself to break down here.  
She was so absorbed in her work that she didn't notice it when someone approached her desk.  
"Ros." She looked up to see Harry Pearce scowling at her.  
"Good morning, Harry." Her tone clipped and slightly sarcastic; as if nothing had happened.  
"_Ros._" Her repeated, louder than before.  
"What?"  
"It's seven o'clock in the morning."  
"Really? I hadn't noticed...oh, how time flies!" She replied dryly.

Harry didn't try to hide the irritation on his face- there was no point- but when he spoke, his tone was calm.  
"I thought I told you to go home and get some rest."  
"I did." Well- she'd gone home, but lying awake for hours on end didn't exactly count as rest.  
"It doesn't look like it." Normally, it would have sounded like a joke; just a quick remark to lighten the mood, but this time he was serious. He wasn't angry, merely concerned; after a loss like the one they'd suffered yesterday, he needed everyone- particularly his Section Leader- at their very best. Ros opened her mouth to argue, but he cut her off before she could speak. "Fine. You can stay; but I mean _stay_. I'm not putting you out in the field today. You either go home, or stay on the Grid for today. It's up to you." His voice wasn't any louder than before, but it had an edge of calm authority to it which couldn't be ignored.  
"I'll stay here." Ros said coolly before returning to her paperwork, unfazed. Harry nodded slightly and made his way silently to his office.

By nine o'clock, the Grid was just as full as ever- and yet it was uncharacteristically still. Every now and then, someone's eyes would stray over to Jo's desk, in the hope of finding her there; but, of course, it was empty. The only person whose eyes stayed away from that abandoned desk were Ros'. She kept her head down all morning, focusing harder than anyone in the room.

Her concentration, however, was broken when Lucas stopped in front of her desk. She looked up.  
"Harry wants us all in the meeting room." He whispered; it was so quiet on the grid that talking any louder would feel uncomfortable.  
Ros sighed irritably, even though she was secretly grateful for the excuse to leave the paperwork for a while. She got up and followed Lucas to the meeting room, where Ruth and Tariq were already sitting in their usual places- although Harry was nowhere to be seen. As Lucas and Ros took their seats, the empty space which had been Jo's stood out more than ever; and although nobody said anything, it was obvious that they were all too aware of that vacant chair.

They sat there in silence for what felt like at least half an hour; finally, ages later, the door slid open and Harry walked in- but he wasn't alone. A young woman followed him. She was about an inch shorter than he was, although her straight posture made her look taller. Every eye in the room was on her, but it didn't seem to bother her at all.

Harry strode over to his seat at the end of the table and sat down.  
"Everyone, this is Emily. She's our new Junior Case Officer." Nobody was looking at him- everyone was staring at her. "Please take a seat, Emily." Harry said politely. She strode confidently over to Jo's place and sat down, seemingly unaware of the fact that people's expressions were no longer curious, but resentful. Harry ignored the tense atmosphere and carried on. "In a few days time, a French minister, Thomas Dubois, is flying here to meet with the Home Secretary; and we've been asked to babysit." There was a unanimous groan, but Harry continued, unfazed. "Ros, I'll leave you to do the briefing." He slid a folder to her across the table and walked out.

They'd been sitting in silence for about ten minutes. Finally, Lucas sighed.  
"What are we doing, Ros?" She turned to look at him coldly; she'd been reading through the folder.  
"He arrives this Tuesday, and leaves on Sunday. I, personally, couldn't care less about him, but we're not going to let anyone else get hurt on our watch." As she said that, her eyes flashed with pain for a second. She opened her mouth to continue, but was interrupted by an unfamiliar voice.  
"I could go undercover in his hotel." Everyone stared at Emily, who was looking expectantly at Ros.  
"Or you could shut up and let me do my job." She retorted coolly.  
"Ros." It was Lucas this time. She turned to look at him irritably.  
"What?" He didn't answer, but everyone in the room was perfectly aware of his warning; including Emily, who sat up a little straighter.

The meeting continued as it had started; strings of small but heated arguments, always followed by uncomfortable silence until the next conflict started. It was clear that the meeting was coming to an end when Emily put her hand up- she now knew better than to interrupt Ros.  
"Can I just say-"  
"No." Ros replied sharply.  
"Can I just say that-" Emily continued, louder this time.  
"Are you deaf?" This time, Ros' voice was calmer, but Emily continued to ignore her.  
"Can I just say that I don't think this should be ourjob?" The room went silent for a second before Ros nodded.  
"You're right." Emily's face lit up with something that looked like triumph, although the others knew better; they knew the new girl had something else coming, and they were right. "I don't think this should be your job; I'll have coffee, black, no sugar. Thank-you." Her voice was incredibly polite, and Tariq disguised a snort of laughter with a loud cough.  
"Ros." Lucas said firmly. She turned to look at him, her expression slightly amused.  
"Oh, sorry, did you want a coffee too?" She asked politely.  
"No. I want a word. Now." He got up and led the way out of the room with Ros right behind him. She slid the door shut as forcefully as she could, leaving Ruth, Tariq and Emily in awkward silence.


	4. One Of Those Days

_Hey! Sorry this has taken me so long...I had a pretty hard time writing for some reason, and it's still quite short and fragmented; it's more just to lead into the next chapter, which I'm really looking forward to writing, seeing as it's partly what inspired this fic :) Thanks SO much for all your lovely reviews, I really appreciate them all, keep them coming :)  
I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway :) xx Bolly  
_

* * *

**One Of Those Days**

The day continued much as it had started. Ros took every chance she got to make Emily's first day as hard as possible for no apparent reason. Ruth kept her head down and worked, occasionally looking up and smiling sympathetically at Emily. Everyone appeared to be working relentlessly, but nobody ever seemed to get anywhere.

At around three o'clock, Emily got up from her desk. Ros looked up immediately, as if she'd just been waiting for her to leave her seat. She cleared her throat, but the dark-haired new girl didn't seem to get the hint.  
"Where do you think you're going?" She asked irritably.  
"To get coffee." Emily replied, slightly arrogantly. The atmosphere in the room immediately tensed, although Ros kept perfectly calm.  
"It's a bit late now, I went and got it myself four hours ago." She said coolly. Tariq disguised his laughter with a cough again, and, despite himself, Lucas' lip curled into a smile.  
"No, for myself." Emily replied defiantly.  
From where he was sitting, Lucas saw Ros open her mouth, ready to retort. He leapt up from his desk, holding a folder in his hand.  
"Ros, you need to see this." He said loudly. She turned to look at him irritably.  
"Can it wait?"  
"No."  
She sighed and got up, following him as he led the way to one of the many corridors on the Grid, and leaving Emily free to go and drink all the coffee she wanted.

The second they were in a deserted corridor, Lucas turned to look down at Ros, who knew full well that he didn't have anything to tell her to do with the case. She looked down at the folder and gave a little snort.  
"Ros." She looked up at him, smiling wryly.  
"Lucas." She replied in a mocking, sickly-sweet voice.  
"Look, I understand that it's not easy for you-"  
"Good." She interrupted, with another deliberately false smile.  
"-but you should at least give her a chance. She doesn't know about Jo- she's not trying to replace her." He saw her eyes flash with pain and guilt again when he mentioned Jo, but she recovered straightaway.  
"No, I know she isn't, but what she _is_ doing is acting like an arrogant little-"  
"_Ros._" He interrupted her just as Harry walked around the corner. It was the first time they'd seen him since he'd introduced Emily to them earlier. He'd been locked in his office all day. He looked from Ros to Lucas and back again.  
"Is everything alright?" He asked politely. They both nodded, although they were still glaring at each other. Harry sighed. "How's Emily doing?" He asked, evidently unaware of everything that had been happening on the Grid since eleven o'clock that morning.  
"Fine." Lucas lied promptly, shooting Ros a warning look as she cleared her throat.

* * *

At around five o'clock, people started to drift out. Emily was one of the first to go- strategically picking a moment when Ros was on the phone. Lucas went home shortly after. Soon, the only people on the Grid were Ruth, Harry and Ros.

At eight o'clock, all three of them were still there. Ruth was on her way to the photocopier when she ran into Harry, and tried desperately to think of an excuse to walk the other way. She had no idea why she didn't want to talk to him, but she wanted to avoid him as much as possible. She was just beginning to turn round when she heard him speak.  
"Ruth, are you alright?" She stopped in her tracks. She nodded. "You look exhausted." He continued.  
_Thanks a lot._ She thought, but instead she said  
"Yeah...it's just been one of those days."  
"It's getting late."  
"I was just getting ready to go home." She replied, and walked away quickly.

Harry followed her back onto the main Grid, but walked over to Ros instead.  
"Go home." He said quietly, although he was still thinking of Ruth, and was watching her leave out of the corner of his eye. Ros looked up to argue, but he cut her off before she could start speaking.  
"Rosalind, go home." The use of her full name worked better than he'd expected it to. She got up and pulled her coat on, and soon enough he was standing there, completely alone.


	5. Tired Of Being Alone

_Before I go into one of my usual little speeches about this chapter itself, I think I owe you all an apology. I had no idea this chapter was going to take so long to write; it's not even particularly lengthy. So I'm extremely sorry for making you all wait.  
Now over to the fun stuff: this is another songfic, this time to _'Tired Of Being Alone' _by JillandKate. It's from Ruth's POV...and it's pretty self-explanatory really :) I hope you enjoy it :) Thanks, as always, to everyone who read the last chapter, and particularly to those of you who left reviews; I really appreciate them, keep them coming :)  
Finally, one more little thing; I've decided, after MONTHS, to carry on with my Ashes to Ashes fic, 'Forget Me'- just to let you know in case any of you have read any of it.  
Okay, hope you like this chapter :) xx Bolly  


* * *

  
_**Tired Of Being Alone**

Ruth's exhausted, but she can't sit still. Without her two cats- they're still at Harry's- her house feels completely empty, and she doesn't know what to do with herself. With a sigh, she pulls her coat on walks out of the door. She gets in the car, still not really sure where she's going; she just wants to drive. She doesn't care that it's eleven o'clock; what's the point of just lying in bed if she's not going to be able to sleep anyway? She hasn't slept properly for days, but this is the first time she's given up on sleep completely.  
She starts the engine, but the sound doesn't fill the silence. She still feels lonely. She turns the radio on, picking a random station.  
She starts to think- think about everything. She mutters to herself, sometimes even talking at full volume; she doesn't notice she's doing it. She just has too much to think about, she can't keep it all in her head. She needs to let it out; even if she's talking to the air.  
The songs gradually get quieter and gentler until, at about a quarter past midnight, a quiet piano melody comes on; it's simple, basic, not the kind of classical masterpiece Ruth would usually go for, but something about it is strangely compelling.The voice is soft, simple; Ruth listens to the lyrics carefully, and soon understands what the song's about. It's as if the singer's speaking for her._**  
Watch everybody throw it around.  
Then I'll pick it up right off the ground,  
I just can't keep it in anymore.  
**__I can't, _she thinks to herself; _I can't do that. It's too dangerous. I won't break my own heart again._

I'm gonna put my heart on my sleeve,  
And wear it 'til it's all worn out,

_**I'm gonna play my favourite song  
'Til the words don't mean a thing;  
All I hear is melody.  
**_But the words in this song _do _mean something. They mean a lot._**  
I'm gonna sing out loud,  
**__I really should join that choir again. _She hasn't sung for ages, and she's only just beginning to see how much she misses it._**  
All my life I've been such a coward,  
I can't keep it in anymore.  
**__I can't let people in. I can't. I won't. I won't do that to myself...but I can't hide forever._

_**And I've spent all this time in hiding,  
**_All that time in Cyprus, pretending to be someone she wasn't. And now she's back, but for some reason, she hasn't been able to come back properly. She was happy in Cyprus, but she wasn't a complete person; the reason she was happy is that she didn't let herself feel or remember anything._**  
Left me spinning like a siren,  
**_Everything's so confusing. She could swear it wasn't this complicated when she left. It wasn't easy, but it's even worse now; at least when she was last here she had one constant, one person to hang on to, but he's not who he was either._**  
Left me silent like a stone,  
And I'm so tired of being alone.  
**_She's always led a lonely life, but she's sick of it; she can't live like this anymore.

_**I'm gonna wake up one of these days  
And it'll have all worked out,  
**_That's what she tells herself. With a life like hers, in a world where so much depends on her job, it's something she needs to believe. She works so hard, and still sometimes she can't change things; but one day, she hopes, she'll wake up and it'll be alright. She won't be alone anymore, and she'll know who to trust again._**  
That life just a bad dream in the background.  
**__That life_. She wishes it could all just be a bad dream. All those little moments, the turning points where everything turned around and spiralled out of her control. The day she lost _him._

_**I'm gonna step outside,  
See the sun and feel alive,  
I just can't keep it in anymore.  
**__The sun._ It was beautiful in Cyprus; it was almost always there, and it kept her company. She misses the sun. She used to go on long walks in the countryside before she left, but she doesn't do that anymore; she doesn't have the time- plus, quiet country walks have always made her think, and, up until tonight, that was the last thing she wanted to do.

_**And I've spent all this time in hiding,  
Left me spinning like a siren.  
Left me silent like a stone  
And I'm so tired of being alone.  
**__But I'm scared of _not_ being alone. _Last time she let someone in; _really_ let someone in, several years ago, she ended up with a broken heart. She thought she'd never see him again. Part of her hoped she never would; but, at the same time, when she saw him, there was something inside her that lit up again, although, like the rest of her soul, it was much dimmer than before.

_**Love come take me break me now,  
Love come take me break me now,  
Love come,  
Love come.  
**_She'd rather be broken than alone; her heart's mended itself now, but not properly. She can't feel properly. The only feeling she can really sense is pain, pain for George, but even that seems insignificant right now. She knows exactly who she needs; she knows who's going to help her feel properly again, even if it's going to hurt. She'd rather feel her heart shatter again than feel nothing at all.

_**And I've spent all this time in hiding,  
Left me spinning like a siren,  
Left me silent like a stone,  
And I'm so tired of being alone.  
**__I'm not going to be alone anymore. _She's made her decision.  
_**Yeah I'm so tired of being alone.**_As the song fades away, Ruth looks up to find herself parking the car in a driveway that's not her own. Up until now, she hasn't been paying any attention to her direction, but a single glance at the house in front of her tells her why she's here. With a little smile, she steps out of the car and walks up to Harry Pearce's front door.


End file.
